I've realized something about myself: I need approval, I need to fit in. Now sometimes this need is greater than at other times. I'm sure it is dependent on several things. Am I feeling confident? Am I lonely? Am I emotional? Is my blood sugar out of control?Have I had positive interactions with my friends? The list goes on, but you get the idea.
I don't know that I've ever really felt like I fit in all the time; I'm good at faking it though. I would be willing to wager that this is part of being human, I mean does anyone feel like they fit all of the time? Probably not.
Anyway, this has been a big part of my life. Elementary School was good. I think we weren't as aware of our differences back then, and pretty much we were all friends. Plus my 6th Grade class had 6 people, so we all got along. But then it happened: Jr. High! Dun dun duh!!!
We all ended up going to different schools, so our small class was broken up. I HATED my 7th grade year. I was teased mercilessly, and couldn't or didn't stand up for myself. I didn't fit in. I transferred to a small private school after that so high school was ok.
I really enjoyed college. I made some of my best friends (to this day) in college and had some of the best times of my life. I still had this sense though that I didn't fit in with some people who I thought were the "cool kids". Even now when I see them I want to connect with them. I mean we talk and are friendly, but nothing much deeper than that. And that bothers me! I need to fit in, to have their approval!!!
So I'm trying to figure this out, and this is what I've come up with: it is impossible for me to have everyone's approval and to fit in all the time. And that is OK. I can't be everyone's BFF. It also strikes me that obsessing over this need for approval can make it seem like the close relationships I DO have aren't enough, which is definately NOT the case! I'm so thankful for the friendships I have. They accept me. I DO fit in, and that is enough.
PS- I know that God accepts me too, that is a given.
PPS- those reading this should comment; I need your approval!!! ;-) LOL
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I'm so emo I could be a Twilight character!
I don't know what it is lately, but I have been so emotional and introspective! Take last week for example: I was at Wal-Mart and had picked out a card for my Mom for Valentine's Day. As I was exiting the card aisle another card caught my eye, so I stopped, picked it up, read the front, AND STARTED CRYING! IN THE MIDDLE OF WAL-MART!! It was like I found the perfect card that said exactly what I wanted to say to my Mom. So, I composed myself, put the other card back and bought the one that turned me into weepy weeperson. (she loved it by the way).
I've also been thinking a lot about stuff. My past, my future, my career, my relationships. Maybe it is this time of year that does it to me. Christmas is over and Winter is dragging on. I like Winter but this is probably my least favorite time of year. Maybe that is why I still have my Christmas tree up; it makes me feel happy to see it (don't judge me).
Speaking of seasons another thing that makes me emotional is music, and one of the best songs that will make me cry is "Every Season" by Nicole Nordeman. If you haven't heard it add it to your list. Anyway, it describes all of the seasons and how God can be seen in them. My favorite is when she gets to Spring. As she sings about newness and recreation I start to tear up, and at the line "so it is with you, and how you make me new with every season's change, and so it will be, as you are recreating me, Summer Autumn Winter Spring" I begin bawling. Every time. No joke. I think it is the idea that no matter what I do, have done, or will do He is always recreating me. That makes my heart happy.
Finally, another emo story. Today I was thinking about my friend Val and how I'm thankful that we are friends. We shared some really awesome experiences together and she challenges me to constantly think about why I do what I do. So today I thought I would call her and tell her thanks. She responded by saying, and I quote: "Thanks for being my friend too. You know, if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say 'Thank you for being a friend'." I laughed and laughed (think about it). That's classic Val. Night!
PS- In reference to the title: A friend was discussing on Facebook who would win in a battle between Harry Potter and Edward from Twilight. Someone responded Harry Potter, because a spell can beat a glittery angsty stare any day!
I've also been thinking a lot about stuff. My past, my future, my career, my relationships. Maybe it is this time of year that does it to me. Christmas is over and Winter is dragging on. I like Winter but this is probably my least favorite time of year. Maybe that is why I still have my Christmas tree up; it makes me feel happy to see it (don't judge me).
Speaking of seasons another thing that makes me emotional is music, and one of the best songs that will make me cry is "Every Season" by Nicole Nordeman. If you haven't heard it add it to your list. Anyway, it describes all of the seasons and how God can be seen in them. My favorite is when she gets to Spring. As she sings about newness and recreation I start to tear up, and at the line "so it is with you, and how you make me new with every season's change, and so it will be, as you are recreating me, Summer Autumn Winter Spring" I begin bawling. Every time. No joke. I think it is the idea that no matter what I do, have done, or will do He is always recreating me. That makes my heart happy.
Finally, another emo story. Today I was thinking about my friend Val and how I'm thankful that we are friends. We shared some really awesome experiences together and she challenges me to constantly think about why I do what I do. So today I thought I would call her and tell her thanks. She responded by saying, and I quote: "Thanks for being my friend too. You know, if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say 'Thank you for being a friend'." I laughed and laughed (think about it). That's classic Val. Night!
PS- In reference to the title: A friend was discussing on Facebook who would win in a battle between Harry Potter and Edward from Twilight. Someone responded Harry Potter, because a spell can beat a glittery angsty stare any day!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Tomorrow
Food food food food food weight weight weight fat fat fat fat fat fat exercise exercise exercise exercise...frankly, after 33 years I sometimes get SICK OF IT ALL! Trust me, I WANT to be a thin person! I want to hang glide and mountain climb and play basketball and whatever. But I'm a fatty. And I'm limited. That is the bottom line that I can't seem to change. I need to figure out why...do I sabotage myself? Is it genetic? What?
Ok, here is something I want to admit: I don't really want to have surgery to lose weight. However, I feel like I am running out of options. I'm 33 and have Type II diabetes. If I don't do something soon my health is only going to get worse.
I give myself too much leeway I think. I wish I was disciplined like a military man but I'm not. it would make things so much easier for me. I need to stick to a program HARDCORE.
I've been in my place of "not caring" for about 3 months now. It is when I've tried for several months and then just say "F-it!" and stop exercising and eating right. I just get tired. So what can I do.
Well, I think that tomorrow I can eat right. And maybe tomorrow I can get some exercise. I'm not gonna think about the rest of the week. Just...tomorrow. That is my rant for today, see you well, tomorrow!
Ok, here is something I want to admit: I don't really want to have surgery to lose weight. However, I feel like I am running out of options. I'm 33 and have Type II diabetes. If I don't do something soon my health is only going to get worse.
I give myself too much leeway I think. I wish I was disciplined like a military man but I'm not. it would make things so much easier for me. I need to stick to a program HARDCORE.
I've been in my place of "not caring" for about 3 months now. It is when I've tried for several months and then just say "F-it!" and stop exercising and eating right. I just get tired. So what can I do.
Well, I think that tomorrow I can eat right. And maybe tomorrow I can get some exercise. I'm not gonna think about the rest of the week. Just...tomorrow. That is my rant for today, see you well, tomorrow!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I LOVE PIZZA!!!!!
They say the first step in treating a problem is admitting you have one...well, I LOVE PIZZA! I want to shout it from the rooftops! If I were Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music I'd be running in a meadow on top of a mountain singing about pizza! Ok, that was a bit much, but it is like the perfect food; bread and cheese and vegetables (tomato sauce) and meat! And it MUST include pepperoni, oh those round slices of heavenly goodness! I think I could almost eat pizza for every meal. Herein lies the problem: I really could almost eat pizza for every meal! Even when I'm trying to follow a healthy eating plan I still want a good Domino's Pizza at least once a week. And man, I can eat a whole one (especially if it is a special occasion!). And now they have made them even better since the came out with the new recipe. Bastards! Anyway, I'm hungry now...is there treatment for pizza addiction?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Taking the Leap!
Today my sister leaves for Tanzania in East Africa for three months! I can't believe it...I really admire her. She is excited and nervous; I on the other hand have been a little emotional this weekend. I mean, this is my baby sister. I was twelve when she was born, I helped raise her! I know she is twenty two but she will always be my little sis and I think I will always worry about her like a dad does. So anyway, I said I admire her and let me tell you why: she has found something that she feels she was meant to do and is going for it. She's taking a leap of faith and following her dreams! That is something that I have been working on in my life. I want to live my dreams. I don't want to have any regrets. So, maybe while she is away in Africa chasing her dreams for three months I will continue to chase mine. We will see what happens. If you think about it keep her in your prayers. I can't wait till she comes back!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)