It's Embroidered!

     They say that you can't adequately deal with a problem until you acknowledge it. Well, I have a problem. An addiction really. I'm addicted to reusable shopping bags! Whew, it feels so good to get that off my chest...
Seriously! I probably have have upwards of 15 to 20. I think the problem is twofold:
     1. I have a "green" conscience, so anytime I'm in the store and I forget to take my bags in I feel like I have to buy another, and
     2. the stores are always coming out with a newer, upgraded model!
I mean, Ikea has an insulated super-deluxe model with pockets inside and out! Target just came out with a really nice canvas one that is very roomy and has an embroidered logo! (Yes, I realize that statements like the two previous do not do ANYTHING to help me maintain my Mancard; don't judge me!)  Plus these bags are very handy for just carrying "stuff".
     So there it is. Let the comments commence, I can take it. PS, here's the new Target bag:

What About Love

I'm very sad right now; I feel like part of my family is falling apart. My family, the family I'm so proud of because we have been able to work things out and stay together all these years. The family I've always turned to. Well, part of that family is changing quickly. Sadly. Maybe for good. And dammit, I don't like it!

And I don't understand it. I don't understand how two people who have been through so much together can just decide not to try any longer. Let's separate; let's move my stuff out; let's sell the house. Let's quit...

...well excuse my language but Fuck that!

It's all so fast!  What about the holidays?  What about card games and cookouts and waterfalls and grand kids and Christmas lights and flowers in the summer and fall and Volkswagens and vollyball and too much food and...
At least no one is saying the "D" word yet. Maybe there is hope. I know there is with God. I just don't like the uncertainty.

I didn't have a title for this until the end. Reminds me of the song of the same name by Heart. Enjoy.

Full On Double Rainbow!!!

Okay, so I've wanted to write about this for a while. How many of you have seen the "double rainbow" video on YouTube? That many? Wow! Well if you haven't seen it you should watch it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI&feature=youtube_gdata_player before you read any further.

Now that we're all on the same page let's discuss. Here are my thoughts. Many folks have made fun of "Bear" Vasquez, the guy in the video ("Aaahhhh" you are thinking, "he's done his research"). Some have said he must be high or something. FYI in an interview on Jimmy Kimmel Live Bear denied being high, well at least in THIS video (his words) LOL. I'm with ya, it is some pretty funny stuff! Let's look at it from a different POV though.

Here's what I see when I watch the video: I see (well, hear) a guy so amazed by something so beautiful and wonderful and even magical that he is overwhelmed by it. He is overcome with emotion. He laughs, cries, and even seeks to understand what this "sign" means.

I say what's wrong with that. I felt like I was listening to someone being told that everything is going to ok. Maybe it was an answer to prayer? Who knows. My point is this: what could the world be like if we all lived each day with this sense of wonder?

What do you think of when you see a rainbow? "Oh, I see that the sun is refracting through the moisture in the atmosphere again" or "Wow, that is beautiful! And amazing! And maybe even magical! Thanks God!" I think I'd like to try and choose the latter.
BTW, Bear also said on Jimmy Kimmel that he did feel the universe was saying something to him that day, hence the reaction. The reaction that is happy and funny and makes me laugh.

If you'd like to see a great dramatic presentation of this video check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt2FiiMWNHU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
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What Week Is It Again?

Let me start by saying I love "the Facebook" (as my friend Andy calls it). Have you ever noticed though that it always seems to be some sort of "theme" week? I mean I've seen Sons week (which I appreciated, thanks Mom!), Daughter week, post the color of your bra week, School week, etc. I can't keep up with it all! Here is my question though: Who decides what week it is? I mean, what if I want to be the one to choose!? What if I want it to be "Send money to Dave week"? Or, "Fat guys are sexy week"? What about "Moon someone week" or "Free iPhone week"? I'm just sayin...

What week is it again???

God Goes to Dance Recitals

As I write this I'm sitting at a dance recital that includes several friends and their kids. I go to these about once a year and love supporting my friends and their kids. They are always very good.

Anyway, I didn't realize until I arrived that this year's recital was dedicated to a little girl, a dance student, who died of cancer late last year. They are raising money for a charity in her name, which is very sweet.

We're about 3/4 of the way through when the emcee announces, her voice breaking, that the next little girl is dedicating her dance to her friend Brogan (the little girl who passed away) and that she is wearing the costume that Brogan had picked out for her next performance.

As she took the stage everyone got silent, and you could tell she had tears in her eyes. She danced beautifully to a song about a butterfly flying away. When she was done everyone stood and clapped, as she ran to her mom and hugged her and cried. It was a beautiful, bittersweet moment.

And yes, I cried too. Was there any doubt? It struck me though that this was a "God moment", one of those times when we as humans, even for a brief moment, can become aware of things beyond ourselves and feel God with us. It got me thinking, maybe God is with us all the time, like scripture says, but we are too caught up in ouselves/lives to notice. But then something interrupts us and makes us pause; we realize what matters and tap into our real emotions; and there He is. Then, we move on to the next dance and the moment is over. Hopefully though we are aware enough to recognize it and it sustains us to the next time.

This leaves me with lots to think about; too much for this blog. Suffice it to say this: try to be more aware of your God moments, and thanks, Brogan, for helping me see what matters.


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Taking Out the Trash

So I was taking the trash can to the curb tonight when I had a chuckle. You see, I was remembering how, when I lived at home with my mom, taking out the trash was my job. This also included taking the full cans to the curb the night before the garbage truck came. And I HATED it! I mean, every Tuesday night the conversation at home went something like this: 

Mom: David? David?! David Micheal, did you take the garbage cans to the curb? 

Me: No. 

Mom: You need to do it! 

Me: Mom! I'm 16, you don't have to remind me every week! Gosh (said like Napoleon Dynamite)!

Mom: David, just do it please.

Me: Mom! (Whining) I'm tired! I'll get up early in the morning and do it (cause I'm such a morning person).

Mom: Okay! You'd better not forget!

The next morning one of two scenarios occurred:

     1. I would sleep in and the trash would pile up for another week, making the trash cans even heavier, or

     2. I would hear the garbage truck coming up the street and would jump out of bed, throw on some clothes, and run outside in hopes that I didn't miss the truck.

So that was how it went EVERY week, LOL. The point is this; I STILL hate taking the trash to the curb, but who else is going to do it now that I'm on my own? So thanks Mom for teaching me to be responsible. Love you :-)

PS - Don't get me started on how much I hate washing dishes!

Why should Tiger apologize?

The other day I heard a news soundbite that said some of Tiger Woods' mistresses think he owes them an apology.
Hold up...huh? Say that again!? His mistresses, the women he cheated on his wife with, want an apology!? If ever there were an appropriate use of the phrase "WTF!?" this is it!
Seriously! Are these women delusional? Let's break this down:
1. You were dating a married celebrity who travels for his job. Did you REALLY think you were the only one?! I mean c'mon, he obviously had no qualms with cheating. Stop being so stupid!
2."But I loved him!" Yeah, and so do his wife and kids. Does it ever workout for the other woman (well, women)? NO! THE HUSBAND DOESN'T LEAVE! WATCH A FREAKIN' LIFETIME MOVIE ONCE IN A WHILE!
3."The heart can't help who it falls in love with!" Really? Well if your heart is constantly falling in love with married men then it is a slut!
4. And I just can't seem to get away from this point: you were sleeping with another woman's husband! You knew the score going in. You knew the risks! In my opinion that means that you get whatever you deserve, and that doesn't include an apology!
So no, I don't think Tiger needs to say sorry to these women. To his family, yes; to his girlfriends, no.

And PS: dear John Edwards' baby mama: just stop talking. You have already shown us you are a terrible person who just wants the limelight. You are about 5 mins over on your 15 anyway.

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Is That Guy Dead?

I like naps, a lot. This is probably not a surprise to most of you. You may not know however that I possess a special ability: I can nap anywhere! If I were a super hero that would be my power, napping (ooh nice pun Dave)! I think my name would be The Sleeper.
I feel like I'm committing an injustice by even calling them naps. A nap is a twenty minutes or so rest; I take full on, messy hair, drooling sleeps that are measured in hours, not minutes!
So back to my original point: I can nap (sleep) anywhere. The floor, my desk, church (sorry Seth and PJ), on the toilet (seriously it has happened), in my car. You name it!
Take today for example: I just woke up from a nice hour long snooze in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I came out to get a few things but decided to listen to my iPod and rest for a few before
I went in. It is now an hour later and I just woke up. Here is a pic:



As I shook off the last remnants of dreamland I started to think to myself, "I wonder what people think when they see me sleeping here? Is that guy dead? Homeless, living in his car? Waiting for his wife to finish shopping? Wow, he is really drooling! Boy, he is really cute!"
So anyway you are now forewarned. If you see me sleeping peacefully in a strange place feel free to make sure I'm breathing and then have a chuckle at my expense. Don't wake me up though! Us cute supeheroes need our rest!

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Location:Tygart Valley Mall,Whitehall,United States

Music Speaks

Music really speaks to me. All kinds of music...Christian, rock, classical, oldies, anything. Some songs just have the power to speak to my soul; these are the songs that I can really relate to. I feel like the songwriter knows exactly what I was feeling. I was thinking about this the other day and I thought "you know, I should start sharing my feelings about certain songs". So here goes.

The first song I want to talk about is "Everything" by Alanis Morissette. Here are the lyrics:

Everything

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known
I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

And you're still here...

I Love this song. Let me start however by stating the obvious. 1.) I'm obviously NOT the funniest, dullest, or gorgeous woman that you've ever known.

2.)YES, I know the word "asshole" is in this song. It's okay.

 I can really relate to what Alanis is saying in this song. I can be all of these things (except the woman parts) multiple times in any given day. I love the chorus though, and when I hear this song I sing the chorus really as a song of worship to God. God, who sees all of me and loves all of me. 

Now I know, it may not be theologically correct to say that God "loves" our "dark", especially if dark refers to sin. But I do think we all have dark places in our being, our hearts, our personalities that God does love. I don't mean to say that God loves when we are assholes or are negative or mistrusting. But I do believe that he loves ALL of us, meaning who we are, good and bad.  He sees all parts of us and is still here. To me, this thinking allows us to stop trying to hide our dark from Him and bring it into the light. This is the point at which he can change and heal us. Oh, and the line "There's not anything to which you can't relate", WOW! I specifically think of Jesus, and how we know that he experienced everything we experience. I could go on and on about this song...really, I love most of what Alanis Morissette writes so I will revisit her several times I'm sure. In the meantime, if you get a chance to listen to this go ahead, and feel free to let me know what you think! Here is a link to the video on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6kLbDHu0yc

 

Don't Even Get Me Started!

     Ok, so I went to see "Alice in Wonderland" tonight. This was actually my second time seeing it, it is so good, but that is another story. Anyway, directly behind me are two ladies with various young children with them. There was also a family with a young kid to my left. I'm talking 4-6ish.
     So the movie starts and I'm starting to see how things are gonna go with the two ladies behind me: "This is after she was in Wonderland before" "Oh, ok. Now who is that rabbit?" "Oh Helena Bonham Carter is in a lot of movies with Johnny Depp" "I don't think that is a good look for Anne Hathaway" blah blah blah BLAH BLAH!
     As the movie continues I get adjusted to tuning out the Chatty Cathys behind me when I hear (at a scene with heads floating in the moat around the Red Queen's Castle): "And this is a kid's movie!" I know that I heard at least one more time after that, I think during the scene with the scary dragon-ish Jabberwocky. By the time the movie ended the 4 year old to my left had to leave with her mom because she got scared (I am glad the mom knew to take her out but she did seem annoyed at her).
     The point is this: I wanted to turn to the talky talkersons and say "NO, THIS IS NOT A KID'S MOVIE!!!" I mean, read the ratings people! According to the MPAA Alice in Wonderland is rated PG because: 

     "Rated PG for fantasy action/violence involving scary        images and situations, and for a smoking caterpillar."


The smoking caterpillar reference makes me laugh. Anyway, the rating pretty much lets me know that I'm not going to be bringing my 4 to 6 year old to this movie! And here are just a few more clues: 

• I believe the previews show the scary Jabberwocky 
• Anyone who knows the story knows of the Red Queen's fondness for chopping off heads
• aaaannnd lastly: IT IS A TIM BURTON FILM! Tim Burton, you know, "The Nightmare Before Christmas", "The Corpse Bride", and "Sweeny Todd" just to name a few! C'mon people!! 

And don't say "But it's a Disney film!" Disney makes lots of films that aren't for kids. For example the "Pirates of the Caribbean" series. NOT FOR YOUNG KIDS! And yes, Disney does market to younger audiences, but again, not four year olds. Alice was marketed to kids probably at least 10 and up, as evidenced by the "Sunny with a Chance" commercial I had to sit through (a Disney Channel tween show). 

     So, the moral of this story? Parents, be responsible! Check movie ratings. See the movie yourself or talk to other parents before you take your kids!! Use common sense. 

And another thing...texting on your 1000 watt bright phone while I'm trying to watch the movie! Really!? Don't get me started, don't EVEN get me started! (Shout out to all the Molly Shannon fans!) 

While I was still a long way off...

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."
This is the scene from Luke 15 that Rembrandt painted in his 1669 work "The Return of the Prodigal Son". I recently heard a cool explanation of this painting. You see in Luke Jesus only mentions three, or maybe four main players in this drama. They are the Father, the Prodigal Son, the Older Brother, and "servants". It is interesting that Rembrandt chose to paint six people. There are of course the main three players. So who are the other three?
The first seems to be a servant. He finds himself right in the middle of this family drama, yet he seems disconnected, uninterested.
The second may also be a servant. She is standing behind the father, but is leaning in. She is interested in the situation unfolding in front of her. She is peering in from the outside.
The third person is a little harder to spot. S/he is in the top left corner of the painting, possibly unaware of what is going on. This person seems the most distant from the situation.
These thoughts on Rembrandt's depiction of the story in Luke made me wonder: which person am I in the painting? Am I the lost son coming home? The loving and accepting Father? The angry and jealous older brother?
Or maybe I'm one of the others (LOST anyone!). The servant witnessing the Father's great compassion and love but finding myself disconnected. Or maybe the one peering in from the outside, trying to get a better view. Needing, longing to see the outpouring of love. Or maybe I'm just a long way off, completely unaware.
As I was processing these thoughts it occurred to me: I am each one of these people, multiple times daily! I am the lost son, the jealous brother, the person willing to love and forgive. Sometimes I'm watching the scene but am disconnected; other times I'm actively looking for His love. And sometimes, I'm still a long way off.
The remarkable thing is this: regardless of the part I'm playing, God still runs to me and throws his arms around me and kisses me!

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The Cool Kids

I've realized something about myself: I need approval, I need to fit in. Now sometimes this need is greater than at other times. I'm sure it is dependent on several things. Am I feeling confident? Am I lonely? Am I emotional? Is my blood sugar out of control?Have I had positive interactions with my friends? The list goes on, but you get the idea.
I don't know that I've ever really felt like I fit in all the time; I'm good at faking it though. I would be willing to wager that this is part of being human, I mean does anyone feel like they fit all of the time? Probably not.
Anyway, this has been a big part of my life. Elementary School was good. I think we weren't as aware of our differences back then, and pretty much we were all friends. Plus my 6th Grade class had 6 people, so we all got along. But then it happened: Jr. High! Dun dun duh!!!
We all ended up going to different schools, so our small class was broken up. I HATED my 7th grade year. I was teased mercilessly, and couldn't or didn't stand up for myself. I didn't fit in. I transferred to a small private school after that so high school was ok.
I really enjoyed college. I made some of my best friends (to this day) in college and had some of the best times of my life. I still had this sense though that I didn't fit in with some people who I thought were the "cool kids". Even now when I see them I want to connect with them. I mean we talk and are friendly, but nothing much deeper than that. And that bothers me! I need to fit in, to have their approval!!!
So I'm trying to figure this out, and this is what I've come up with: it is impossible for me to have everyone's approval and to fit in all the time. And that is OK. I can't be everyone's BFF. It also strikes me that obsessing over this need for approval can make it seem like the close relationships I DO have aren't enough, which is definately NOT the case! I'm so thankful for the friendships I have. They accept me. I DO fit in, and that is enough.

PS- I know that God accepts me too, that is a given.

PPS- those reading this should comment; I need your approval!!! ;-) LOL

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Location:State Route 73,Fairmont,United States

I'm so emo I could be a Twilight character!

I don't know what it is lately, but I have been so emotional and introspective!  Take last week for example: I was at Wal-Mart and had picked out a card for my Mom for Valentine's Day. As I was exiting the card aisle another card caught my eye, so I stopped, picked it up, read the front, AND STARTED CRYING! IN THE MIDDLE OF WAL-MART!! It was like I found the perfect card that said exactly what I wanted to say to my Mom. So, I composed myself, put the other card back and bought the one that turned me into weepy weeperson. (she loved it by the way).
     I've also been thinking a lot about stuff. My past, my future, my career, my relationships. Maybe it is this time of year that does it to me. Christmas is over and Winter is dragging on. I like Winter but this is probably my least favorite time of year. Maybe that is why I still have my Christmas tree up; it makes me feel happy to see it (don't judge me). 
     Speaking of seasons another thing that makes me emotional is music, and one of the best songs that will make me cry is "Every Season" by Nicole Nordeman. If you haven't heard it add it to your list. Anyway, it describes all of the seasons and how God can be seen in them.  My favorite is when she gets to Spring. As she sings about newness and recreation I start to tear up, and at the line "so it is with you, and how you make me new with every season's change, and so it will be, as you are recreating me, Summer Autumn Winter Spring" I begin bawling. Every time. No joke. I think it is the idea that no matter what I do, have done, or will do He is always recreating me. That makes my heart happy. 
     Finally, another emo story. Today I was thinking about my friend Val and how I'm thankful that we are friends. We shared some really awesome experiences together and she challenges me to constantly think about why I do what I do. So today I thought I would call her and tell her thanks. She responded by saying, and I quote: "Thanks for being my friend too. You know, if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say 'Thank you for being a friend'."  I laughed and laughed (think about it). That's classic Val. Night!


PS- In reference to the title: A friend was discussing on Facebook who would win in a battle between Harry Potter and Edward from Twilight. Someone responded Harry Potter, because a spell can beat a glittery angsty stare any day!

Tomorrow

     Food food food food food weight weight weight fat fat fat fat fat fat exercise exercise exercise exercise...frankly, after 33 years I sometimes get SICK OF IT ALL! Trust me, I WANT to be a thin person! I want to hang glide and mountain climb and play basketball and whatever. But I'm a fatty. And I'm limited. That is the bottom line that I can't seem to change.  I need to figure out why...do I sabotage myself? Is it genetic? What?
     Ok, here is something I want to admit: I don't really want to have surgery to lose weight. However, I feel like I am running out of options. I'm 33 and have Type II diabetes. If I don't do something soon my health is only going to get worse.  
     I give myself too much leeway I think.  I wish I was disciplined like a military man but I'm not.  it would make things so much easier for me.  I need to stick to a program HARDCORE. 
    I've been in my place of "not caring" for about 3 months now. It is when I've tried for several months and then just say "F-it!" and stop exercising and eating right. I just get tired. So what can I do.
     Well, I think that tomorrow I can eat right. And maybe tomorrow I can get some exercise.  I'm not gonna think about the rest of the week. Just...tomorrow.  That is my rant for today, see you well, tomorrow!
 

I LOVE PIZZA!!!!!

     They say the first step in treating a problem is admitting you have one...well, I LOVE PIZZA! I want to shout it from the rooftops!  If I were Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music I'd be running in a meadow on top of a mountain singing about pizza! Ok, that was a bit much, but it is like the perfect food; bread and cheese and vegetables (tomato sauce) and meat! And it MUST include pepperoni, oh those round  slices of heavenly goodness! I think I could almost eat pizza for every meal.  Herein lies the problem: I really could almost eat pizza for every meal! Even when I'm trying to follow a healthy eating plan I still want a good Domino's Pizza at least once a week.  And man, I can eat a whole one (especially if it is a special occasion!). And now they have made them even better since the came out with the new recipe. Bastards! Anyway, I'm hungry now...is there treatment for pizza addiction?

Taking the Leap!

Today my sister leaves for Tanzania in East Africa for three months! I can't believe it...I really admire her.  She is excited and nervous; I on the other hand have been a little emotional this weekend.  I mean, this is my baby sister. I was twelve when she was born, I helped raise her! I know she is twenty two but she will always be my little sis and I think I will always worry about her like a dad does.  So anyway, I said I admire her and let me tell you why: she has found something that she feels she was meant to do and is going for it. She's taking a leap of faith and following her dreams!  That is something that I have been working on in my life.  I want to live my dreams. I don't want to have any regrets.  So, maybe while she is away in Africa chasing her dreams for three months I will continue to chase mine. We will see what happens.  If you think about it keep her in your prayers.  I can't wait till she comes back!

Like A Verbal Punch in the Arm

This is just a very random thought I had the other day. I was thinking about guys and how we interact sometimes in our friendships.  Specifically I was thinking about how we verbally express affection (yes, we sometimes do). Now don't ask me why I was thinking about this, because I have absolutely no idea! The thought just sort of came to me. Anyway, I was considering the phrase "love ya".  In my mind, "love ya" has always been a more acceptable phrase to say to another guy than "I Love you". I guess to me it just feels a little less formal and denotes a more friendship kind of love than a romantic kind of love. It kind of reminds me of a verbal "punch in the arm" of sorts. You know, we guys sometimes will give each other an affectionate punch in the arm to show we care. It kinda of says "Hey, I'm glad we're friends. You're a great guy and I care about you". Bet you didn't know a punch could mean so much!  So, I feel like saying "Hey man, love ya" at an appropriate time is like a punch in the arm. 

Now, who knows, other men may disagree and think I'm crazy. AND, if you know me really well you know I wouldn't generally have a problem telling a close friend "love ya" or even "I love you". It just seems that the "love ya" allows everyone to be more comfortable. Oh, by the way: I also use this phrase in cards and when trying to express affection to female friends who are married.  I just feel like it seems to be more appropriate to tell another man's wife "love ya" rather than "I love you".  Am I crazy?! Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. What do you think? Comments welcome...

Choreographing the Dance

     I have this thing that I do sometimes in my head. Sometimes I'll think through hypothetical situations and what my reactions would be. This could be a situation that might not ever occur.  It's like I'm choreographing the dance of our interaction before it ever begins.  This is especially true in situations where there might be conflict. The funny thing is that I usually think "well if they say this then I'm gonna say this" and so on, and I end up getting mad about a situation that might not even ever happen! I wonder if others do this? Anyway, the whole point of telling you this is because I did this today on my way to Subway and thought it might be fun to tell you about it. Try to follow my thought process because it can be confusing!
     So one time at Subway I ran into a woman that I used to go to church with (I still went there when this happened). While she was there she was really mean and bitchy to the staff and I was sort of embarrassed that I knew her.  I wasn't surprised as this is her M.O. a lot of the time, even with friends. Anyway, fast forward to today. I'm driving to Subway on my way to babysit and I think to myself, "What if she is there, and what if she says this to me, and I'd say this back to her, and blah blah blah".  I then decided that if I saw her and she said something sarcastic or mean like she usually does I wouldn't just smile and ignore it.  I decided that I would say something along the lines of "You are being a real bitch, have a nice day!" Mind you I no longer go to church with her so what do I have to lose?
     This is my point: there are times when I wish I could say what I really want to, even if it is not polite.  Not that I want to just speak my mind all the time and be abrasive, that is not me.  In a situation like the one above though, I'm at the point in my life when I don't want to put up with people's crap anymore.  Now this doesn't mean I'm going to be aggressive, but in a situation where someone who has no real relationship with me is being shitty I'm gonna call them on it. I think...I mean I really want to! Without feeling bad about it! LOL I guess we'll see.  Night!

The longest relationship I've ever had! (besides my family)

     So I was talking with a friend the other day (this was the aforementioned conversation that inspired this blog). We both struggle with weight  and health issues so we were talking about how I was feeling that day. My blood sugar was crazy out of whack (as my friend Andy says my diabetes was "acting up", lol) and I was super emotional. I mean I went from wanting to cry at the drop of a hat (more than normal) to really agitated.  I have learned that this is a sign that my sugar is high and one finger prick and 5 seconds later the diagnosis was confirmed. Anyway, we got on the topic of self control and why I seem to do well with things in my life for a month or two and then it all goes to hell.  This can be with anything: house cleaning, checkbook, diet, exercise, etc. (sounds like fodder for future posts.). We however were focusing on food.  FOOD. FOOD!!!!! Ahhhh food, that four letter word. So we were talking about my eating habits and she was being really hard on me. I mean that biatch was bringing it! (It was well deserved and the previous term is used lovingly).  She finally said to me something like "You need to look at your relationship with food and why you think about and interact with food the way you do."  This was after she told me that eating an entire large bag of potato chips for dinner was not normal. WHAT!? I don't know what world she is living in!

    So, we talked some more and finished our conversation.  After I dried my tears (kidding) I starting thinking about my relationship with food.  I mean, other than God and my parents this is really the longest relationship I have ever had! I also talked with my Mom (she always helps). Here are some things that I have discovered so far (I'm still thinking).

1. I often don't think correctly about what I'm eating.  For example, let's just say (for sake of conversation) that there have been times when my dinner might have been a pepperoni roll, some milk, and large bag of reduced fat (ha!) Snyder's Kettle Cooked Potato Chips (the exact brand doesn't matter since this is just hypothetical ;-] ).  Anyway, this might have been on a day where I hadn't really eaten a lot.  I might think to my self "Well this is ok, I haven't eaten much today so this isn't overeating. All the calories won't be over the suggested total for the day." WHAT!? In the words of my friend "That is not normal!" And she is right, it isn't.  Here is the truth: A 1 oz serving of chips (I'm looking at Lay's online) has 150 Calories, 8 grams of fat, and 18 grams of carbs.  A large bag typically has 8 to 10 oz. Do the math (I'll pause here so you can gasp...)                   That is 1500 calories, 80 grams of fat, and 180 grams of carbs (in diabetes land that is 12 carb servings. 4 to 6 is recommended per meal)!!!! Add in the pepperoni roll and milk and I'm basically screwed for the day from ONE MEAL! The problem is I never thought of it this way. In my mind, it wasn't really adding up to that much, I mean it was just one meal. You see where I need to change my thinking... PS - the same concept sadly applies to eating a whole pizza  :-(.
2. I really began being overweight around Kindergarten/First Grade.  I think this is related to several things.  My mom and Dad were divorced and though I saw my Dad every weekend I wasn't active through the week. Also (this is from my mom) we ate out a lot. Being a single mom is tough and sometimes you just don't want to or have the time to cook. My Dad got remarried when I was 6ish and weekends were always super busy, especially with two and eventually three kids, so we were always running around. This led to us often driving thru. I also think that since my Dad didn't get to have me all the time he tried to make things fun and have treats.  I remember a game we would play. If I caught him saying "buster bar" (a yummy DQ treat) then we had to go get one. Now I'm not blaming my parents! I love them both very much and I think they did a great job raising me. I'm just exploring how I developed the relationship with food that I currently have.
3. I realized that my mom was always on some sort of diet. Usually it was Weight Watchers, and eventually I started going with her in elementary school. We also always had diet pop and skim milk and light bread, etc.  Not that any of this is bad, I think it just made me realize that I have always been very aware of food and the concept that some things are bad for you and you should stay away from them.  At the same time...
4. ...all of our family celebrations and special occasions have traditionally centered around food, and during special occasions it was ok to eat what you wanted. I mean, it IS a special occasion! The problem is that I started to see EVERY time we went out as a special occasion.  Lost 2 pounds at Weight Watchers? Special occasion! (We would always go out to eat after weigh in LOL). Hanging out with friends? Special occasion! Visiting family? Special occasion! You see the pattern.  I think this really set up a pattern for me of eating healthy and then indulging. Like a cycle.  Sort of a love/hate relationship with food. A dichotomy. Good vs. Evil. You get the picture.  

 Those are my thoughts so far...let me know what you think and stay tuned :-)